Things always happen to me,now that I recall all the past and recent events around me....I've never been able to make them happen.The manipulator-a title that I could not bear.
I let people that I care about walk by,throwing away chances,running away from problems,doing whatever I like and succumb to the disappointments of my world and letting it be.Irresponsible. I pretended that I didn't care.No I would never regret the things that I did, I tell myself.And yeah, I don't regret,but nor am I proud of them.There's so much I want to say, but my pride insist that I keep them to myself....Now, I am not even sure what went wrong.What?what?what?
I still remember.I was quite a rebellious kid when I was in primary school. I talked back at the teachers whom I hated so,glared at her when I wanted to act tough and refusing to get weepy because of a certain accusation, I don't remember that I've ever actually did all my homework/assignment and hand them in on time.All the prejudice....Just take one afternoon off and put your ear to the key hole of the teacher's office,and you'll know the dark side of me pretty well.Little devil.Hard-headed.Difficult.Some of them are actually addicted to pick on students such as myself,shame us in front of a hall full of students.Whether consciously or unconsciously, they're have to reach for their conscience for an answer.I just can't tell for sure.
But then, I was one lucky girl. Despite all the disciplinary crap, I met several teachers who have shown me great faith. Especially my class teacher in grade 4.She was the one who've helped me with my basics in math,Chinese.She is one teacher that I'd actually fears and at the same time, respects. I made it to the so-called elite class all because of all her sincere efforts. On the last day of my fourth grade life, she look at me and told me"Please work hard to keep up with everyone when you're in that class.I've faith that you'll be great."And I could only hear the tears trickling down my face.
I wanted to contact her once I left primary.But I didn't.It's been five years, I still can't find the courage to contact her...Because, I'm afraid that I've let her down.No,I've no problems with my discipline,but my academics have been disappointing. I refuse to miss all the fun I could,thinking"I'm a teenager.Study?would you get a life?"Yeah, I studied last minute all the time, barely making it to the high expectations set upon "A" Class students. Average B or C. D sometimes.Failed some subjects.Yeah, its a shame.But I've lived through it, I don't think there's any shame in talking about it now.Not that I'm proud of it. It isn't exactly great being in my shoes in my class. My classmates are probably studying their asses and heads off RIGHT NOW,while I'm here typing my blog....GUILT-RIDDEN now am I?
Would it be too late if I start making a change NOW? I hardly study,but I hate not doing well.Again,running away.My mom have never said anything,nagging a bit yeah, sure. But it makes me feel bad when they continue being kind to me when I've let them down so.I hate it!Hate it,hate it,hate it,hate it,hate it,hate it,hate it.........
